To Remember You...

To those who don't know, Leif killed himself two weeks ago, and I guess everyday since then has been a further moment in dealing with grief that follows such a moment. He and I may not have been best friends since our break up, but he was always someone who crossed my mind and had a place in my heart. A little over a month before his death he visited me here in Ottawa, and now I realize it was our last goodbye, but at the time I just said I'll see you again cause I thought we would always be in and out of each others lives. To comfort myself I tell myself that our bond must have meant something to him, for why else would he say good-bye and seek me out in his time of despair. I just hope that for him the pain is gone now. I guess if we were his friends in life, we must continue now in his death, and take some of the pain that was created in his passing...I pray this is what he wanted.

This is a poem that I love and I think it describes so much of loss and love...

MUSIC, WHEN SOFT VOICES DIE
by: Percy Bysshe Shelly (1792-1822)

MUSIC, when soft voices die,
Vibrates in the memory;
Odours, when sweet violets sicken,
Live within the sense they quicken.

Rose leaves, when the rose is dead,
Are heap'd for the belovèd's bed;
And so thy thoughts, when thou art gone,
Love itself shall slumber on.

My Poems...

These poems were written when Leif and I were together. It scares me how some of them reveal so much about him and I. I think when you're that close to someone it's hard not to feel or at least see some of their pain.

I wrote this poem because Leif used to always ask why I sighed so much...

A sigh of exasperation is a groan that escapes from within
when time is just too fast and you just give in.

A sigh of loneliness arises from despair
and is slowly released from parted lips
when you look around and no one's there.

A sigh of dreams erupts into the night
as a pillow cushions you head where your dreaming self is running from some plight.

A sigh of happiness is coupled with a smile
when your inner being knows that
life will only be like this for a short while.

A sigh of exctasy is the musical note of pleasure
when your body tumbles with the touch of another measure by measure.

A sigh of fear is sometimes a sigh of love
both are symbols of the uncertainty of what is to come
and both part from our souls and leave us shaking inside.

I wrote this next poem one afternoon when I was troubled with the coming end of our relationship. Now when I read it, it reminds me of him in general.

With a flicker of motion a pebble is released down the street
it strikes the pavement with the sound of a resounding emptiness.

It quickly picks up speed
propelling it towards the end of the road.

Watching it hurtle towards its destination
one can see how futile it is to attempt to stop this event.

Cars and passengers are incapable of stopping this force
and we all have to watch as it quickens on...

And finally slams into the end.

This is the last poem I will share with you, for some of them are just too close to my heart. I wrote this poem after some discussions about life & emotions that I had had with Leif in our long walks around the mountain, and I just wanted him to be happy and whole again. This is the poem that came from that sentiment.

Once upon a time there was a young boy with long blond hair and green eyes
who used to tremble at the darkness.
As the sun would set he would follow it until the last slant of light brushed his face
and then as darkness fell over him he would run home
and hide amongst the warmth of his family until the sun rose again the next morning.